Where to from here?...

...or Be Careful What You Wish For!

Since Samhain I have been doing some serious thinking.  This has not been the manic monkey-mind style of unfocused thinking that is my usual style but really THINKING about what I want from the rest of my life.  I still cannot give an answer on that one, even though I can feel mySelf more in charge of my mind, rather than the other way around.  I forget that, just like my computer, my mind is a tool that has practical and useful purposes.  More often than not, my mind is in endless, egoistic and emotional turmoil, working against me, rather than for me.

I don't think I'm alone on that one!

Once, I wrote in my journal:

'"If I'm creating it all...

...WHY?"

This afternoon I experienced somewhat of a breakthrough moment.  I was sitting in the sun, deciding what my next move should be in the immediate sense, and where do I want to go from here in my life.  I realised that whatever action I took next, in the NOW, would make either a large or a small change to where I ended up in my life.  This is not rocket science and I have read similar advice in self help books for many years.  However, this time I felt the reality of this and saw very clearly that decisions I have pending will either make it more likely that I will stay where I am or, they will take me nearer to a move away from the quinta.

For example, purchasing a new washing machine, upgrading the plumbing and planting more trees are decisions that would increase the likelihood of me staying put; keeping in touch with friends who have offered to house-sit raises the chances of travel; upgrading the campervan and marketing our property are necessary steps if I want to move away and do something else.  Once a realisation like that becomes clear, there is no way I can go back to being a victim of circumstance.  I am creating it all and I must therefore be very careful that I do know WHY!

At the moment, I am looking around at the people I know best, and deciding whose life-style I most admire.  This is not because I intend to imitate someone else's life, but because I am currently so far out of touch with my true desires.  I need some pointers and some people provide better creative inspiration that others.  This brings me around to recommending a podcast that made me want to scream create, create, create'.  Do listen to the inspiring Mother Henna, talking with Jamie Ridler on Creative Living with Jamie.  Mother Henna managed to turn every woman's nightmare, the death of a baby, into creative expression that clearly permeates her whole life.  I was lifted by this podcast, which touched on many issues that are on my mind at the moment.  Thank you ladies for doing what you do and leaving signposts for others to follow your trail.

Mother Henna's website is here and her moving blog is here.  I've been following the work of Jamie Ridler for over a year, when I came across her explorations with the book "Wreck This Journal" by Keri Smith.  Here is her video that explains what that was about:

Jamie's Adventures through Wreck this Journal from Jamie Ridler on Vimeo.

I'm going to listen to the podcast again and probably again after that, until I start to convince myself that I too can have a creative life.  After all, I have been living away from the mainstream for over ten years now and I believe it's too late to turn my back on that.  I have to use what I have and create something wonderful from it - it's what the Goddess wants us all to do with our lives.

More on that Kali Journal...

…After I had problems publishing my post on the editing process yesterday, I decided to edit my edit! I thought publishing 2,000 words on my journal was too self indulgent, so I have cut the original down quite a bit. Hopefully, what I have left will be interesting to someone.
NB: »PP means create a Plinky Prompt; »T means a tarot entry that at some point I will post on my Hallowquest blog; »D means a dream analysis that I plan to post on Dreamcatcher and **is something I may post on here in future.

I write, post-Boom Festival, about “Big Mistakes of my Life, aka Turning Points”. Then I turn them around so that they do not seem like mistakes after all. (This seems like a Hallowquest exercise, although I didn´t identify it.).

Detailed “Full Moon” dream analysis, called “The Templars”. »D

I list my hopes for the forthcoming year, according to the 4 tarot suits.»»T

I attempt a family tree to honour the ancestors. I think that may have been because 2yrs on from Mum´s death, I was aware that there was no record on her side of the family.

I asked “What would it mean to have Freya as a Patron?”. In the centre of the page, in letters 3cm high, I wrote Freya´s name in an original, stylised font. This meant that I realised that working with the Freya archetype was likely to stimulate my creativity.

Mind-map following a magickal afternoon session in the neighbouring olive grove. I created a Rainbow Serpent wand, that I ended up giving away.

I reflect back to the work in the olive grove – seeing connections and researching information to link this to. I also mention my best friends´ news of a new Mr Right and send her positive vibes for everything to work out as she dreams.

Did a biorhythm reading, showing the intellectual cycle at peak high and the emotional and physical cycles at peak low. I hadn´t liked drawing the Cosmic Tribe 2 of Cups, which I had called “sickly“. I talked myself into relaxing and noted a woman I called The Watcher, in the distance. I observed my Inner Critic at work on my observations and on a drawing I had done of an olive tree. I was hearing a hymn in my head that I associate with my best friend and I made a link to it with the tarot Emperor (King Arthur).

I write a commentary on the G20 summit and observe that in Portugal they put gelatine in cream, that makes it unsuitable for vegetarians. I notice my “growing political awareness”. I refer back to the 4 elements, magickal work that I had done at the Boom Festival the previous August. I had built a mini labyrinth outside my tent, for meditation, yet I wrote nothing about that Boom experience at the time.

A mind-map of recent creativity, Kali yantra, Hawthorne wand, orange fetish for prosperity and green man.

Tarot reading following a visit from friends. Well sketched cards but no analysis!

Child-like mind-map around a large sun, reminding me to “Breathe out/in” when stoned. Also observed “Clinging to the Past = 5 of Cups”.

Followed by a messy, but useful, creative interpretation of the Osho 5 of Cups. »T Drew a common symbol in my journals; a key, this one elaborate and golden.

Mind-map in pencil, with the central figure, bent, back against a hill. A large boulder, marked “Resisting Change” is rolling against the figure, who is about to be flattened.

I note that I “properly tend my altar for the first time”.

Working with “Undoing Yourself” by Christopher Hyatt and the theme of ego death. Sketch of a stylised skull, with amanita mushroom at the third eye.

Five pages of work, where I set myself an “EXAM in SELF-HEALING”. Trying to integrate recent learning. Comment about my son using “manipulation to get me to face up to my high blood pressure”. I had started medication at about this time.

Still in the same creative flow and learning to manage the energy. Questioning whether I could really handle psychedelics and ego death. My mind tries to assert itself over the creative loss-of-control. I observe this as conflict. I note the “need to break through the physical barrier”. I had similar thoughts at the start of summer this year.

Common theme of Facing Fears, expressed in rabbit doodle.

Influenced by Shamanic Freedom Radio, episode 23 where Opaquelens says “They spank the bottoms of the complacent”. I don´t know what this referred to but it amuses me.

Paranoid stone – fear of extinction. Suggests ego was losing control. Once again a rabbit doodle. Good advice to “Count to 11 from now on ! for the sake of your heart and BP”. Funny spoonerism “extracted by externals” instead of distracted. Definitely feeling “in the magickal”. Talk of Hecate.

Labyrinth drawing, with text following the path inward. More evidence that my mind was afraid that I was close to death of ego “BEGGING begging not to be forgotten” and “WE ARE AFRAID TO BECOME (1)”.

More about “HEC8” and Kali; more on ego death “CUTTING CONNECTION TO EARTH” and more on magick, “For once you write SO MOTE IT BE, SO IT IS”. Also, my writing indicates an awareness of ego being separate from my soul, as in, “Writing spells, did we? Careless, we is too”.

Wrote with left hand, “ther is no lif after death!”.

Journal ends with mention of Hecate again and the crone phase, Persephone, “reality check; NOW, present, un-selfish”.

Stone carved crux…

Really observing the carving on our rock – this cross, confirmed to be “antiquidade” – predating the still worshipped Catholicism by centuries – linking the Cornish Celtic Christians and their roots in the ancient granite rocks of my homeland, with these Mother worshipping, outwardly Catholic, proud Lusitanians.

Influences...

Jamie Sams´ Medicine Cards Whale
Nossa Senhora das Graças
Cosmic Tribe 2 of Wands
Leon Petulengro The Roots of Health
Lyall Watson Gifts of Unknown Things
Sensient The Space Between
Koh-Do Bois de Rose
Si Innersense

Right now, dreaming of...

... Moment With You, ooooo

In looking up "telestika"...

...I found the following fascinating information here:

In the Chaldean system, Hekate controlled demons that were mediators between the worlds of gods and men, delivering information and guidance to theurgists. She was the mistress of the iynges (sg. iynx), noetic entities (demons) conceived by the Father and sent down to transmit information or creative power to the material world, and who were also able to transmit information back from the material world to the noetic realm. In other words, since it was the goal of a Chaldean theurgist to have his soul released from this world and be unified (anagōgē) with the divine while the body was still alive, Hekate was able to help men take their first steps towards the theurgical ascension of the soul by sending down the secret knowledge stored in her (as the Soul) in the form of iynges. Thus she was a savior figure, comparable to the Gnostic redeemer. Repeated theurgical practice purified the soul for its eventual release from fate when the theurgist’s body died. Other theurgical operations such as initiations, invocations of gods and animation of their statues (telestika), as well as an ascetic lifestyle and contemplation, helped to prepare the theurgist for the union by purifying or unifying his soul. The primary purpose of all these acts was to obtain more information from a god, such as how to perform further theurgical acts leading to the unification or purification of the soul, or to understand more about the cosmos, which in turn facilitated psychic ascension.

Even though Hekate usually sent iynges or other entities to reveal secret knowledge to the theurgist, occasionally she could also manifest herself to disclose information. The Chaldean Oracles portray Hekate as appearing in the dark sky - after all, she is a celestial goddess identified with the moon. Hekate appears as the “Formless Fire” from which her voice emerges as she speaks to the theurgist, while her accompanying cohort of iynges, angels, and other demons appear as “lightning” in the dark sky. The Oracles describe the goddess descending dressed in full armor and bearing weapons - the weaponry being a metaphor for the theurgical knowledge. This knowledge was aimed at the theurgist who needed it for the ascension of his soul.

AMBIENT We come from the Goddess Animated visuals from Floroworld